[ Hoo, boy. It's like dancing on glass, avoiding anything about the Joker. It's one of the reasons he doesn't want to bring up what the Joker did to him, it would be like putting himself in the place of Jason's ... future grief? No. No mentioning how Joker got into Dick's head. No mindfuck, no crowbars, he's keeping all of that out of sight to protect him. ]
He went away because he found out something and, from the way he talked about it later, it sounded a lot like he felt alone. Bruce was being Bruce, when he gets silent and disapproving, and I ...
I know I should have been there for him.
[ Hanging his head, he reaches out to curl his fingers around Haley's soft ears, gentle and sad. ]
We didn't fight all the time, there were good moments too. He was Little Wing.
... Everyone in the family paid a lot more attention to each other, after he left. Checking-in became a regular thing.
[ this is why Jason didn't want to talk about this stuff anymore. it gets too convoluted, too mixed up in what has happened, what could happen. Jason's already second guessing himself every step of the way, knowing that one wrong move and he's bound to fuck it all up.
and now he wonders... did he already fuck it up with his Dick? does Dick already think too badly of him to ever turn things around? he was so angry when Jason took out those cops. he looked at him with such disgust... maybe he doesn't want him around at all.
he tries to keep his emotions in check, which always feels like such a goddamn hard thing to do- but all of this information, it makes him feel close to spilling over. ]
Fuck.... fuck. What if I already messed things up? What if he can't stand me? I tried to help but he didn't see it that way. What if I fuck it up with Bruce?
[ He slides forward off his stool to set Haley on the floor where she trots off to her bed, placing his hands on Jason's shoulders to give him a steadying squeeze. ]
It turns out okay, I promise. Everything sounds so dark, I know. Let me help with that.
[ Digging around in his back-pocket for the cellphone Babs forced on him, he opens up an encoded file ... and in it are pictures. Lots of people Jason wouldn't know but there's a snapshot of Nightwing and another guy on a rooftop, the latter pulling an unimpressed face as Dick grins into the camera; big guy, brown jacket, red bat on his armour. The next photo is the entire group of four Robins in regular clothes at a diner with platefuls of burgers and Joker fries, a flustered Bruce in a suit at the back of the booth caught mid-breakup of an argument between Jason and Damian over a toy while Dick and Tim eyeball the camera.
Watching him, he offers the phone to Jason if he wants to look. ]
[ the hand on his shoulder is steadying, but maybe not calming enough when it comes to this jumble in his head. maybe this won't happen in his universe. maybe it'll be different. deep in his heart though, Jason can already feel it. it sounds exactly like something that would happen to him because it's played out in his head already in so many different ways.
it's everything he fears.
he takes the phone from Dick, but he can already feel his vision blurring before he can even look at the photos and he quickly, angrily wipes at his eyes as he starts scrolling.
come home.]
But I never left. I never wanted to leave. I don't want to fucking leave!
[ Jason feels devastated, and devastation quickly turns to the only defense he's got. anger. he's so fucking angry, but he doesn't even know what to be angry at. himself? Dick? Bruce? a fucked up situation that hasn't even happened to him yet?
he wants to fight, to shove Dick away from him as hard as he fucking can. to beat the shit out of him and jump back out that window and take off. to keep going and going until Gotham is far in the distance because what's the point? if they're all going to dump him anyway then what's the goddamn point of trying so hard to prove himself every single day? why not just leave now if he's going to leave anyway? leave people before they get a chance to leave you. then it's your choice, not theirs. isn't that what people say? he never learns. maybe this time he should learn.
but then Dick wraps his arms around him so warm and tight, and all thoughts leave his head. he's forgotten what a hug could feel like. one that's comforting, and careful, and meant to keep him together instead of take from him.
and he thinks maybe. maybe just once, or one last time, he can have this. it's Christmas after all. ]
[ The moment when all that tension sags against him, that's when Dick dares to drop a kiss into Jason's hair, still rubbing across his shoulders. ]
Listen to me. You know all about this now, right? I'm sure there's some cosmic law that meant I wasn't supposed to say anything, but now you're prepared. Think of it that way. You can make your own way in the world, I firmly believe no one's destiny is written for them.
[ Might as well admit the next part, since this can't possibly get any worse ... ]
Things are already different between me and you. Aren't they?
[ As much as he knows this is another Jason, Dick hasn't grown up with him and that sibling familiarity is only paper-thin, a code of respect and mark on his conscience to uphold in case Jason needs that from him. This is ... someone he wants to spend the night with, he realises, even if that means all he gets to do is hold him to keep the shadows away. Dick would happily do that. Whatever he needs. No more phantom scenarios, he tells himself, not if this is the result. ]
[ the problem is, Jason doesn't think of it that way. not in any way that leaves him prepared. prepared for anything still can't control how other people are, or what they do with him. no matter how prepared he might be, all he can ever do is defend himself. hurt it before it hurts you. desperately want, so you push it away.
when Dick mentions destiny, Jason feels fucking stupid about it, because he firmly doesn't believe in destiny either. and yet... ]
The only way I can prepare myself is if it was my choice to leave. If it wasn't, I can't fucking do anything about other people.
[if things were like this in life- like this hug- then maybe... god, what a stupid fucking thought, and Jason lets himself just be in it for a moment longer before he starts pulling out of it, wiping at his face with embarrassment.]
Yeah. Things are already different between me and you. But that doesn't mean it's gonna last.
[ As Jason eases free of the hug, Dick stays close enough to boldly run a hand up the back of Jason's neck and sink his fingers into the dark curls near the top, stroking back down again. It's a far more sensual touch than he has otherwise given so far, backed up by an unwavering stare that reads Jason's reaction as keenly as if Dick were wearing Starlite lenses through a domino mask.
His voice is softer but no less certain when he says, ]
That's why you make the good memories in the first place.
[ it doesn't make sense to Jason, but good things never really do. it's fucked up and he's fucked up. he knows that much is true. but the way Dick says it, he wants to believe it. the way he says it, it's hard not to- even if it's just in the moment. right here and now. maybe that's all they need.
it helps that Dick touches him and holds him like he actually wants him here. like he's present, instead of trying to turn away from him.]
[ Dick's smile warms his eyes, crinkling the corners as he lets a blush steal across his cheeks. He doesn't hide it (couldn't this close, anyway). The hand in Jason's hair slides down, tickling fingertips along a nape, and he cups a sharp jaw to run a thumb across Jason's lips, ruby red. Always red. ]
[ well shit. okay. Jason wasn't expecting this. he thought maybe that small, soft kiss was a one time thing and that Dick made it very clear they couldn't- he wouldn't do this with him.
Jason feels goosebumps raise across his skin as Dick's fingers travel from his nape to his jaw, and his lips part a bit once that warm thumb drags across his lips. he just stares at Dick like that for a moment and decides he's not gonna climb back out that window and run away tonight. ]
Okay.
[he says quietly, reaching out to curl his fingers into Dick's shirt, pulling him down a little as he leans up to press his lips against Dick's in a kiss.]
[ Smiling into the kiss, that can surely be felt but he can't stop. He hums happily, draping his arm over that shoulder as he steps in as close as the space before Jason's seat will allow. Once Dick settles his jitters it's simple to let his eyes fall closed and slant the kiss into something hotter, licking across the seam of Jason's lips to ask for more. It's unhurried and curious, like Dick is indulging himself. ]
[ he does feel the smile in the kiss, and it settles some of his frayed nerves. everything about Dick's body language is telling Jason that he wants this, he wants him. maybe the other Jason... but him too, right? he's the one Dick is kissing right now.
Jason parts his lips easily at Dick's gentle urging, letting him in. he deepens the kiss as well, tasting as much as Dick will let him. ]
[ If he could purr he would. Everything about Dick telegraphs through his body-language, from swaying in to brushing up through Jason's hair, loving how he has to re-learn how to breathe around someone else's mouth. It's the best part of becoming intimate with anyone but he especially feels a thrill from knowing this is Jason that wants him, Jason from some far-off world perhaps but that doesn't matter because he makes Dick feel wanted too. Dick tries to quiet the fears and apprehension he has picked up off him since they first met, winding around him like an acrobat with its favourite aerial silks.
It's warm and wonderful, nudging his nose against a cheek when the kiss parts to let him catch his breath. From under sloe-lashes his blue eyes peek at Jason, bright and fond. ]
... That's nice.
[ His grin widens, gaze twinkling as he tilts his lips to ghost back over Jason's. ]
[ it's the kinda kiss Jason feels like he's always been waiting for. it's all in, with everything Dick does. it makes Jason's insides flip and flutter as he kisses back, his fingers finally uncurling from their death grip in Dick's shirt, as if he realizes he isn't going anywhere. they're really doing this.
his hands slide to Dick's sides instead, curling around them gently, and even as the kiss breaks, Jason thinks to himself yeah. now that's a good memory. but he also thinks please stay that way. ]
[ Muffled laughter meets Jason's lips as Dick steals another kiss, tugging on his shirt to get him to follow. It's more of a comical smooch when it parts, although the look in Dick's eye is entirely serious. ]
[ this time Jason can't help but smile either. that muffled laughter that he swallows up with a kiss is infectious, and when his shirt is tugged he follows, sliding off the stool to keep up with Dick, because he doesn't want to miss out on any kisses. ]
Me too. A whole lot more.
[Jason has to step over and around a few things as they head to the couch. this place is messy, but he doesn't care. it feels lived in, like what a home is supposed to feel like. Jason likes that.]
I must have fallen into some of Ivy's pheromone plants because I suddenly feel irresistible when you look at me like that.
[ Wagging his brows, the laughter buoys his way down to the couch with Jason where Dick curls an arm around him and sinks his fingers back into Jason's hair, gathering him in so the kisses feel full-bodied. Dick licks his way back into the heat of that smart mouth and takes control, guiding the pace so it stays almost languid despite how hot it feels, shivers running across his skin.
... Don't mind him flicking Nightwing's discarded shirt to the floor off the cushions. ]
[Jason says with a newfound fondness for Dick. it all feels kind of like a rollercoaster with how devastated and alone he felt not too long ago, and now there's this all encompassing feeling of Dick wanting him, and making him feel like he has a place here after all.
Jason usually hates giving up any kind of control, but he's helpless to it now as Dick kisses him so fully, so deeply, and he's alright with that. his hands find their way up Dick's chest, then to his neck, into his hair then down again.
maybe it's too much too soon, but Jason's never been one to hold back. he's always as intense as can be, and he throws caution to the wind and climbs into Dick's lap, moving one leg around, straddling him as he keeps kissing him. he never thought he'd be in this position, not in a million years, but it feels so natural. it feels so good.]
[ Thank goodness Haley went to bed already, is his briefest of thoughts before he has Jason clambering up and onto him, leading to Dick lifting him to give that seating choice a hand ("C'mere"). He hauls him up onto his lap and winds his arms around him to brush under the hem of Jason's shirt, one hand palming its way down a thigh. Words can wait a while, he has important business dragging his kisses down the curve of Jason's jaw and grazing his teeth over a pulse, claiming the length of his neck as Dick's to play with as he pleases.
Nails glide up under Jason's shirt again, rising higher between his shoulders, and Dick makes a low noise of approval, just as hedonistic when it comes to showing Jason he cares about him. ]
[ it's like being invited into Dick's arms and Jason takes it greedily, getting as close as Dick will let him when he's practically pulled into his lap. good choice. he made a good choice.
Jason indulges in the way he leans against Dick's chest when those arms wind around him, his own hands sliding up into Dick's hair as he parts his lips a little wider and kisses deeper.
Dick is good at this- of course he is, Jason should have known. it sweeps him up so entirely that all of Jason't bullshit about trying to one up the world falls away, and all he wants is to be in this right now. he groans softly when the kiss breaks and Dick's mouth travels down his neck. he lets his head fall back a bit to give him more room, his nails scraping along Dick's scalp as the other's nails move along his back.
Jason's never had anyone care about him. Bruce, of course, but not like this. ]
[ Jason's roaming caresses brush the half-moon scar above Dick's left ear, usually hidden by his hair, the lasting evidence of a bullet that came too close for comfort. The slightest indent there is a testament to how much bone they put back together, how much Bruce paid the best surgeons. Barely noticeable, but to a Robin ...
He shudders up against him as he feels the nails raking along his scalp and bites down on the curve of Jason's neck to make those groans louder. His grip on a thigh pets up and down, running around the curve of an ass to test whether Jason is okay with being pulled flush. ]
[ when his fingers finally do move across the scar, he can tell. he knows what it is. he doesn't want to draw too much attention to it so he just keeps his fingers moving. maybe later they can talk some more, but not now. this is all Jason wants right now, and he can finally fully feel that Dick does too.
Jason's generally not anywhere close to being loud when fooling around with anyone. it's not that he isn't all in whenever he does, but he doesn't let himself get too carried away. there's control. always control. this time though, that bite to the curve of his neck makes him moan loudly. ]
Fuck... fuck.
[he breathes out afterwards, heat dusting his cheeks in an uncharacteristically embarrassed way. he lets Dick pull him in flush against him, but he also moves a hand to his chest, pressing lightly.]
[ Well and truly flustered by the time Jason asks to slow down, he swallows and clears his throat as he tips his head back on the couch to look up, hands settling safely on a waist. Pink stains his features all the way down to the collar of his tshirt, blue eyes dilated darker, but Dick waits when asked ... he's always been good at following orders.
Might have to clear his throat in order to fix the rasp of his voice, but. ]
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He went away because he found out something and, from the way he talked about it later, it sounded a lot like he felt alone. Bruce was being Bruce, when he gets silent and disapproving, and I ...
I know I should have been there for him.
[ Hanging his head, he reaches out to curl his fingers around Haley's soft ears, gentle and sad. ]
We didn't fight all the time, there were good moments too. He was Little Wing.
... Everyone in the family paid a lot more attention to each other, after he left. Checking-in became a regular thing.
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and now he wonders... did he already fuck it up with his Dick? does Dick already think too badly of him to ever turn things around? he was so angry when Jason took out those cops. he looked at him with such disgust... maybe he doesn't want him around at all.
he tries to keep his emotions in check, which always feels like such a goddamn hard thing to do- but all of this information, it makes him feel close to spilling over. ]
Fuck.... fuck. What if I already messed things up? What if he can't stand me? I tried to help but he didn't see it that way. What if I fuck it up with Bruce?
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[ He slides forward off his stool to set Haley on the floor where she trots off to her bed, placing his hands on Jason's shoulders to give him a steadying squeeze. ]
It turns out okay, I promise. Everything sounds so dark, I know. Let me help with that.
[ Digging around in his back-pocket for the cellphone Babs forced on him, he opens up an encoded file ... and in it are pictures. Lots of people Jason wouldn't know but there's a snapshot of Nightwing and another guy on a rooftop, the latter pulling an unimpressed face as Dick grins into the camera; big guy, brown jacket, red bat on his armour. The next photo is the entire group of four Robins in regular clothes at a diner with platefuls of burgers and Joker fries, a flustered Bruce in a suit at the back of the booth caught mid-breakup of an argument between Jason and Damian over a toy while Dick and Tim eyeball the camera.
Watching him, he offers the phone to Jason if he wants to look. ]
... See? You'll come home too.
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it's everything he fears.
he takes the phone from Dick, but he can already feel his vision blurring before he can even look at the photos and he quickly, angrily wipes at his eyes as he starts scrolling.
come home.]
But I never left. I never wanted to leave. I don't want to fucking leave!
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I've got you, I'm right here.
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he wants to fight, to shove Dick away from him as hard as he fucking can. to beat the shit out of him and jump back out that window and take off. to keep going and going until Gotham is far in the distance because what's the point? if they're all going to dump him anyway then what's the goddamn point of trying so hard to prove himself every single day? why not just leave now if he's going to leave anyway? leave people before they get a chance to leave you. then it's your choice, not theirs. isn't that what people say? he never learns. maybe this time he should learn.
but then Dick wraps his arms around him so warm and tight, and all thoughts leave his head. he's forgotten what a hug could feel like. one that's comforting, and careful, and meant to keep him together instead of take from him.
and he thinks maybe. maybe just once, or one last time, he can have this. it's Christmas after all. ]
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Listen to me. You know all about this now, right? I'm sure there's some cosmic law that meant I wasn't supposed to say anything, but now you're prepared. Think of it that way. You can make your own way in the world, I firmly believe no one's destiny is written for them.
[ Might as well admit the next part, since this can't possibly get any worse ... ]
Things are already different between me and you. Aren't they?
[ As much as he knows this is another Jason, Dick hasn't grown up with him and that sibling familiarity is only paper-thin, a code of respect and mark on his conscience to uphold in case Jason needs that from him. This is ... someone he wants to spend the night with, he realises, even if that means all he gets to do is hold him to keep the shadows away. Dick would happily do that. Whatever he needs. No more phantom scenarios, he tells himself, not if this is the result. ]
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when Dick mentions destiny, Jason feels fucking stupid about it, because he firmly doesn't believe in destiny either. and yet... ]
The only way I can prepare myself is if it was my choice to leave. If it wasn't, I can't fucking do anything about other people.
[if things were like this in life- like this hug- then maybe... god, what a stupid fucking thought, and Jason lets himself just be in it for a moment longer before he starts pulling out of it, wiping at his face with embarrassment.]
Yeah. Things are already different between me and you. But that doesn't mean it's gonna last.
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His voice is softer but no less certain when he says, ]
That's why you make the good memories in the first place.
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it helps that Dick touches him and holds him like he actually wants him here. like he's present, instead of trying to turn away from him.]
How do I do that?
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Well, to start small ... you could kiss me again.
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Jason feels goosebumps raise across his skin as Dick's fingers travel from his nape to his jaw, and his lips part a bit once that warm thumb drags across his lips. he just stares at Dick like that for a moment and decides he's not gonna climb back out that window and run away tonight. ]
Okay.
[he says quietly, reaching out to curl his fingers into Dick's shirt, pulling him down a little as he leans up to press his lips against Dick's in a kiss.]
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Jason parts his lips easily at Dick's gentle urging, letting him in. he deepens the kiss as well, tasting as much as Dick will let him. ]
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It's warm and wonderful, nudging his nose against a cheek when the kiss parts to let him catch his breath. From under sloe-lashes his blue eyes peek at Jason, bright and fond. ]
... That's nice.
[ His grin widens, gaze twinkling as he tilts his lips to ghost back over Jason's. ]
We should do that more often.
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his hands slide to Dick's sides instead, curling around them gently, and even as the kiss breaks, Jason thinks to himself yeah. now that's a good memory. but he also thinks please stay that way. ]
I would do that any time you wanted to.
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[ Muffled laughter meets Jason's lips as Dick steals another kiss, tugging on his shirt to get him to follow. It's more of a comical smooch when it parts, although the look in Dick's eye is entirely serious. ]
I want to. Right now.
[ On the couch if Jason lets himself be led. ]
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Me too. A whole lot more.
[Jason has to step over and around a few things as they head to the couch. this place is messy, but he doesn't care. it feels lived in, like what a home is supposed to feel like. Jason likes that.]
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[ Wagging his brows, the laughter buoys his way down to the couch with Jason where Dick curls an arm around him and sinks his fingers back into Jason's hair, gathering him in so the kisses feel full-bodied. Dick licks his way back into the heat of that smart mouth and takes control, guiding the pace so it stays almost languid despite how hot it feels, shivers running across his skin.
... Don't mind him flicking Nightwing's discarded shirt to the floor off the cushions. ]
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[Jason says with a newfound fondness for Dick. it all feels kind of like a rollercoaster with how devastated and alone he felt not too long ago, and now there's this all encompassing feeling of Dick wanting him, and making him feel like he has a place here after all.
Jason usually hates giving up any kind of control, but he's helpless to it now as Dick kisses him so fully, so deeply, and he's alright with that. his hands find their way up Dick's chest, then to his neck, into his hair then down again.
maybe it's too much too soon, but Jason's never been one to hold back. he's always as intense as can be, and he throws caution to the wind and climbs into Dick's lap, moving one leg around, straddling him as he keeps kissing him. he never thought he'd be in this position, not in a million years, but it feels so natural. it feels so good.]
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Nails glide up under Jason's shirt again, rising higher between his shoulders, and Dick makes a low noise of approval, just as hedonistic when it comes to showing Jason he cares about him. ]
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Jason indulges in the way he leans against Dick's chest when those arms wind around him, his own hands sliding up into Dick's hair as he parts his lips a little wider and kisses deeper.
Dick is good at this- of course he is, Jason should have known. it sweeps him up so entirely that all of Jason't bullshit about trying to one up the world falls away, and all he wants is to be in this right now. he groans softly when the kiss breaks and Dick's mouth travels down his neck. he lets his head fall back a bit to give him more room, his nails scraping along Dick's scalp as the other's nails move along his back.
Jason's never had anyone care about him. Bruce, of course, but not like this. ]
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He shudders up against him as he feels the nails raking along his scalp and bites down on the curve of Jason's neck to make those groans louder. His grip on a thigh pets up and down, running around the curve of an ass to test whether Jason is okay with being pulled flush. ]
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Jason's generally not anywhere close to being loud when fooling around with anyone. it's not that he isn't all in whenever he does, but he doesn't let himself get too carried away. there's control. always control. this time though, that bite to the curve of his neck makes him moan loudly. ]
Fuck... fuck.
[he breathes out afterwards, heat dusting his cheeks in an uncharacteristically embarrassed way. he lets Dick pull him in flush against him, but he also moves a hand to his chest, pressing lightly.]
Wait... wait. Slow down a second. Hold on.
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Might have to clear his throat in order to fix the rasp of his voice, but. ]
Y-Yeah, sure. You okay? Too much?
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