[ Jason feels devastated, and devastation quickly turns to the only defense he's got. anger. he's so fucking angry, but he doesn't even know what to be angry at. himself? Dick? Bruce? a fucked up situation that hasn't even happened to him yet?
he wants to fight, to shove Dick away from him as hard as he fucking can. to beat the shit out of him and jump back out that window and take off. to keep going and going until Gotham is far in the distance because what's the point? if they're all going to dump him anyway then what's the goddamn point of trying so hard to prove himself every single day? why not just leave now if he's going to leave anyway? leave people before they get a chance to leave you. then it's your choice, not theirs. isn't that what people say? he never learns. maybe this time he should learn.
but then Dick wraps his arms around him so warm and tight, and all thoughts leave his head. he's forgotten what a hug could feel like. one that's comforting, and careful, and meant to keep him together instead of take from him.
and he thinks maybe. maybe just once, or one last time, he can have this. it's Christmas after all. ]
[ The moment when all that tension sags against him, that's when Dick dares to drop a kiss into Jason's hair, still rubbing across his shoulders. ]
Listen to me. You know all about this now, right? I'm sure there's some cosmic law that meant I wasn't supposed to say anything, but now you're prepared. Think of it that way. You can make your own way in the world, I firmly believe no one's destiny is written for them.
[ Might as well admit the next part, since this can't possibly get any worse ... ]
Things are already different between me and you. Aren't they?
[ As much as he knows this is another Jason, Dick hasn't grown up with him and that sibling familiarity is only paper-thin, a code of respect and mark on his conscience to uphold in case Jason needs that from him. This is ... someone he wants to spend the night with, he realises, even if that means all he gets to do is hold him to keep the shadows away. Dick would happily do that. Whatever he needs. No more phantom scenarios, he tells himself, not if this is the result. ]
[ the problem is, Jason doesn't think of it that way. not in any way that leaves him prepared. prepared for anything still can't control how other people are, or what they do with him. no matter how prepared he might be, all he can ever do is defend himself. hurt it before it hurts you. desperately want, so you push it away.
when Dick mentions destiny, Jason feels fucking stupid about it, because he firmly doesn't believe in destiny either. and yet... ]
The only way I can prepare myself is if it was my choice to leave. If it wasn't, I can't fucking do anything about other people.
[if things were like this in life- like this hug- then maybe... god, what a stupid fucking thought, and Jason lets himself just be in it for a moment longer before he starts pulling out of it, wiping at his face with embarrassment.]
Yeah. Things are already different between me and you. But that doesn't mean it's gonna last.
[ As Jason eases free of the hug, Dick stays close enough to boldly run a hand up the back of Jason's neck and sink his fingers into the dark curls near the top, stroking back down again. It's a far more sensual touch than he has otherwise given so far, backed up by an unwavering stare that reads Jason's reaction as keenly as if Dick were wearing Starlite lenses through a domino mask.
His voice is softer but no less certain when he says, ]
That's why you make the good memories in the first place.
[ it doesn't make sense to Jason, but good things never really do. it's fucked up and he's fucked up. he knows that much is true. but the way Dick says it, he wants to believe it. the way he says it, it's hard not to- even if it's just in the moment. right here and now. maybe that's all they need.
it helps that Dick touches him and holds him like he actually wants him here. like he's present, instead of trying to turn away from him.]
[ Dick's smile warms his eyes, crinkling the corners as he lets a blush steal across his cheeks. He doesn't hide it (couldn't this close, anyway). The hand in Jason's hair slides down, tickling fingertips along a nape, and he cups a sharp jaw to run a thumb across Jason's lips, ruby red. Always red. ]
[ well shit. okay. Jason wasn't expecting this. he thought maybe that small, soft kiss was a one time thing and that Dick made it very clear they couldn't- he wouldn't do this with him.
Jason feels goosebumps raise across his skin as Dick's fingers travel from his nape to his jaw, and his lips part a bit once that warm thumb drags across his lips. he just stares at Dick like that for a moment and decides he's not gonna climb back out that window and run away tonight. ]
Okay.
[he says quietly, reaching out to curl his fingers into Dick's shirt, pulling him down a little as he leans up to press his lips against Dick's in a kiss.]
[ Smiling into the kiss, that can surely be felt but he can't stop. He hums happily, draping his arm over that shoulder as he steps in as close as the space before Jason's seat will allow. Once Dick settles his jitters it's simple to let his eyes fall closed and slant the kiss into something hotter, licking across the seam of Jason's lips to ask for more. It's unhurried and curious, like Dick is indulging himself. ]
[ he does feel the smile in the kiss, and it settles some of his frayed nerves. everything about Dick's body language is telling Jason that he wants this, he wants him. maybe the other Jason... but him too, right? he's the one Dick is kissing right now.
Jason parts his lips easily at Dick's gentle urging, letting him in. he deepens the kiss as well, tasting as much as Dick will let him. ]
[ If he could purr he would. Everything about Dick telegraphs through his body-language, from swaying in to brushing up through Jason's hair, loving how he has to re-learn how to breathe around someone else's mouth. It's the best part of becoming intimate with anyone but he especially feels a thrill from knowing this is Jason that wants him, Jason from some far-off world perhaps but that doesn't matter because he makes Dick feel wanted too. Dick tries to quiet the fears and apprehension he has picked up off him since they first met, winding around him like an acrobat with its favourite aerial silks.
It's warm and wonderful, nudging his nose against a cheek when the kiss parts to let him catch his breath. From under sloe-lashes his blue eyes peek at Jason, bright and fond. ]
... That's nice.
[ His grin widens, gaze twinkling as he tilts his lips to ghost back over Jason's. ]
[ it's the kinda kiss Jason feels like he's always been waiting for. it's all in, with everything Dick does. it makes Jason's insides flip and flutter as he kisses back, his fingers finally uncurling from their death grip in Dick's shirt, as if he realizes he isn't going anywhere. they're really doing this.
his hands slide to Dick's sides instead, curling around them gently, and even as the kiss breaks, Jason thinks to himself yeah. now that's a good memory. but he also thinks please stay that way. ]
[ Muffled laughter meets Jason's lips as Dick steals another kiss, tugging on his shirt to get him to follow. It's more of a comical smooch when it parts, although the look in Dick's eye is entirely serious. ]
[ this time Jason can't help but smile either. that muffled laughter that he swallows up with a kiss is infectious, and when his shirt is tugged he follows, sliding off the stool to keep up with Dick, because he doesn't want to miss out on any kisses. ]
Me too. A whole lot more.
[Jason has to step over and around a few things as they head to the couch. this place is messy, but he doesn't care. it feels lived in, like what a home is supposed to feel like. Jason likes that.]
I must have fallen into some of Ivy's pheromone plants because I suddenly feel irresistible when you look at me like that.
[ Wagging his brows, the laughter buoys his way down to the couch with Jason where Dick curls an arm around him and sinks his fingers back into Jason's hair, gathering him in so the kisses feel full-bodied. Dick licks his way back into the heat of that smart mouth and takes control, guiding the pace so it stays almost languid despite how hot it feels, shivers running across his skin.
... Don't mind him flicking Nightwing's discarded shirt to the floor off the cushions. ]
[Jason says with a newfound fondness for Dick. it all feels kind of like a rollercoaster with how devastated and alone he felt not too long ago, and now there's this all encompassing feeling of Dick wanting him, and making him feel like he has a place here after all.
Jason usually hates giving up any kind of control, but he's helpless to it now as Dick kisses him so fully, so deeply, and he's alright with that. his hands find their way up Dick's chest, then to his neck, into his hair then down again.
maybe it's too much too soon, but Jason's never been one to hold back. he's always as intense as can be, and he throws caution to the wind and climbs into Dick's lap, moving one leg around, straddling him as he keeps kissing him. he never thought he'd be in this position, not in a million years, but it feels so natural. it feels so good.]
[ Thank goodness Haley went to bed already, is his briefest of thoughts before he has Jason clambering up and onto him, leading to Dick lifting him to give that seating choice a hand ("C'mere"). He hauls him up onto his lap and winds his arms around him to brush under the hem of Jason's shirt, one hand palming its way down a thigh. Words can wait a while, he has important business dragging his kisses down the curve of Jason's jaw and grazing his teeth over a pulse, claiming the length of his neck as Dick's to play with as he pleases.
Nails glide up under Jason's shirt again, rising higher between his shoulders, and Dick makes a low noise of approval, just as hedonistic when it comes to showing Jason he cares about him. ]
[ it's like being invited into Dick's arms and Jason takes it greedily, getting as close as Dick will let him when he's practically pulled into his lap. good choice. he made a good choice.
Jason indulges in the way he leans against Dick's chest when those arms wind around him, his own hands sliding up into Dick's hair as he parts his lips a little wider and kisses deeper.
Dick is good at this- of course he is, Jason should have known. it sweeps him up so entirely that all of Jason't bullshit about trying to one up the world falls away, and all he wants is to be in this right now. he groans softly when the kiss breaks and Dick's mouth travels down his neck. he lets his head fall back a bit to give him more room, his nails scraping along Dick's scalp as the other's nails move along his back.
Jason's never had anyone care about him. Bruce, of course, but not like this. ]
[ Jason's roaming caresses brush the half-moon scar above Dick's left ear, usually hidden by his hair, the lasting evidence of a bullet that came too close for comfort. The slightest indent there is a testament to how much bone they put back together, how much Bruce paid the best surgeons. Barely noticeable, but to a Robin ...
He shudders up against him as he feels the nails raking along his scalp and bites down on the curve of Jason's neck to make those groans louder. His grip on a thigh pets up and down, running around the curve of an ass to test whether Jason is okay with being pulled flush. ]
[ when his fingers finally do move across the scar, he can tell. he knows what it is. he doesn't want to draw too much attention to it so he just keeps his fingers moving. maybe later they can talk some more, but not now. this is all Jason wants right now, and he can finally fully feel that Dick does too.
Jason's generally not anywhere close to being loud when fooling around with anyone. it's not that he isn't all in whenever he does, but he doesn't let himself get too carried away. there's control. always control. this time though, that bite to the curve of his neck makes him moan loudly. ]
Fuck... fuck.
[he breathes out afterwards, heat dusting his cheeks in an uncharacteristically embarrassed way. he lets Dick pull him in flush against him, but he also moves a hand to his chest, pressing lightly.]
[ Well and truly flustered by the time Jason asks to slow down, he swallows and clears his throat as he tips his head back on the couch to look up, hands settling safely on a waist. Pink stains his features all the way down to the collar of his tshirt, blue eyes dilated darker, but Dick waits when asked ... he's always been good at following orders.
Might have to clear his throat in order to fix the rasp of his voice, but. ]
Yeah, man. I'm okay. It's not that... it's not too much.
[he doesn't want to stop and he doesn't want to give Dick the wrong idea and make him think that he does. his own cheeks are flushed and flustered, his hands on Dick's chest moving up and down just slightly as he looks down for a moment, then back at Dick's face.]
It's just that I.
Fuck.
[he lets out a small laugh, then rolls his eyes at himself.]
I don't wanna rush this. I wanna go slow. I like it slow. Is that okay?
[ There's a tender understanding in the look Dick gives when he hears that, nodding. He rests his forehead on Jason's and gives him a peck on the corner of his lips, kneading lightly at his waist with a few strokes up his back. Over his clothes. ]
Slow is okay. [ It's hard to tell from the hand pawing his shirt what Jason wants, so he makes a point of asking. ] Do you just want to kiss?
[ it's nice to get an understanding look like that. it's a relief. not that he thought Dick wouldn't be okay with it, but the confirmation is always good. he can tell that Dick really is listening.
he gives Dick a small smile of thanks, then shakes his head, forehead still against his.]
Not that slow.
[he laughs softly, letting his hands slide up Dick's neck, just touching him. just being in the moment. trying to get himself to open up. to talk. it's a hard thing for Jason, but Dick is listening.]
We can do... anything. Just slower. I've uh. I haven't been with as many people as everyone think I have. You know. Being a street kid and all. People think I like to fuck. Guess maybe I act like it too. But I haven't even really been with a guy before. Like sure I've fooled around, but I've never had sex with a guy before.
But I wanna be here with you right now. I wanna do this. I mean, I don't even know if you wanna fuck me, but. If you do. I want to.
[is he rambling? maybe he's rambling. this is Jason Todd when he's not trying to act like a cocky little fuck.]
[ A couple of times he almost interrupts but he holds his tongue as Jason opens up, letting him vent his emotions and use his words, which is rare enough that Dick would have paid attention even if Jason wasn't sitting on his lap. ]
... Alright, okay. I appreciate the clarification.
[ He cups the side of Jason's neck, thumb cradling his jaw as he looks at him steadily, compartmentalising all of that information into manageable bites. When he replies his voice is sure and steady. ]
I am ... I would love to — yes, we can do that, but only if you're sure. There are other things we can do, things I'd really like to do to you [ — since Jason deserves to know there's a lot of spice beneath Dick's heavy blush — ] and none of it needs to be rushed.
[ To demonstrate, he trails his other hand down Jason's chest and lets it drift under his shirt in a sweeping caress, right around the time Dick leans up to brush his lips over the sensitive curve of Jason's neck. ]
Why don't we stick with our hands for now, then if you want more later you can be greedy in my bed. Deal?
[ is he ruining the mood? no, he doesn't think so. if talking like this ruins the mood for someone then Jason doesn't want to be with that kinda person anyway.
Jason is rewarded with patience and understanding, and an unwavering look from Dick. it makes him smile a little more, and not feel so fucking embarrassed about the flush of his cheeks and the slowness he asks for, and he nods against Dick's forehead again before the older man starts moving his hand again, under his shirt, and drops his lips back to his neck. ]
Okay, yeah. Deal.... thanks.
[that all sounds real good, and the flutter is back in Jason's chest again, his eyes closing.]
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he wants to fight, to shove Dick away from him as hard as he fucking can. to beat the shit out of him and jump back out that window and take off. to keep going and going until Gotham is far in the distance because what's the point? if they're all going to dump him anyway then what's the goddamn point of trying so hard to prove himself every single day? why not just leave now if he's going to leave anyway? leave people before they get a chance to leave you. then it's your choice, not theirs. isn't that what people say? he never learns. maybe this time he should learn.
but then Dick wraps his arms around him so warm and tight, and all thoughts leave his head. he's forgotten what a hug could feel like. one that's comforting, and careful, and meant to keep him together instead of take from him.
and he thinks maybe. maybe just once, or one last time, he can have this. it's Christmas after all. ]
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Listen to me. You know all about this now, right? I'm sure there's some cosmic law that meant I wasn't supposed to say anything, but now you're prepared. Think of it that way. You can make your own way in the world, I firmly believe no one's destiny is written for them.
[ Might as well admit the next part, since this can't possibly get any worse ... ]
Things are already different between me and you. Aren't they?
[ As much as he knows this is another Jason, Dick hasn't grown up with him and that sibling familiarity is only paper-thin, a code of respect and mark on his conscience to uphold in case Jason needs that from him. This is ... someone he wants to spend the night with, he realises, even if that means all he gets to do is hold him to keep the shadows away. Dick would happily do that. Whatever he needs. No more phantom scenarios, he tells himself, not if this is the result. ]
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when Dick mentions destiny, Jason feels fucking stupid about it, because he firmly doesn't believe in destiny either. and yet... ]
The only way I can prepare myself is if it was my choice to leave. If it wasn't, I can't fucking do anything about other people.
[if things were like this in life- like this hug- then maybe... god, what a stupid fucking thought, and Jason lets himself just be in it for a moment longer before he starts pulling out of it, wiping at his face with embarrassment.]
Yeah. Things are already different between me and you. But that doesn't mean it's gonna last.
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His voice is softer but no less certain when he says, ]
That's why you make the good memories in the first place.
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it helps that Dick touches him and holds him like he actually wants him here. like he's present, instead of trying to turn away from him.]
How do I do that?
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Well, to start small ... you could kiss me again.
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Jason feels goosebumps raise across his skin as Dick's fingers travel from his nape to his jaw, and his lips part a bit once that warm thumb drags across his lips. he just stares at Dick like that for a moment and decides he's not gonna climb back out that window and run away tonight. ]
Okay.
[he says quietly, reaching out to curl his fingers into Dick's shirt, pulling him down a little as he leans up to press his lips against Dick's in a kiss.]
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Jason parts his lips easily at Dick's gentle urging, letting him in. he deepens the kiss as well, tasting as much as Dick will let him. ]
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It's warm and wonderful, nudging his nose against a cheek when the kiss parts to let him catch his breath. From under sloe-lashes his blue eyes peek at Jason, bright and fond. ]
... That's nice.
[ His grin widens, gaze twinkling as he tilts his lips to ghost back over Jason's. ]
We should do that more often.
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his hands slide to Dick's sides instead, curling around them gently, and even as the kiss breaks, Jason thinks to himself yeah. now that's a good memory. but he also thinks please stay that way. ]
I would do that any time you wanted to.
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[ Muffled laughter meets Jason's lips as Dick steals another kiss, tugging on his shirt to get him to follow. It's more of a comical smooch when it parts, although the look in Dick's eye is entirely serious. ]
I want to. Right now.
[ On the couch if Jason lets himself be led. ]
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Me too. A whole lot more.
[Jason has to step over and around a few things as they head to the couch. this place is messy, but he doesn't care. it feels lived in, like what a home is supposed to feel like. Jason likes that.]
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[ Wagging his brows, the laughter buoys his way down to the couch with Jason where Dick curls an arm around him and sinks his fingers back into Jason's hair, gathering him in so the kisses feel full-bodied. Dick licks his way back into the heat of that smart mouth and takes control, guiding the pace so it stays almost languid despite how hot it feels, shivers running across his skin.
... Don't mind him flicking Nightwing's discarded shirt to the floor off the cushions. ]
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[Jason says with a newfound fondness for Dick. it all feels kind of like a rollercoaster with how devastated and alone he felt not too long ago, and now there's this all encompassing feeling of Dick wanting him, and making him feel like he has a place here after all.
Jason usually hates giving up any kind of control, but he's helpless to it now as Dick kisses him so fully, so deeply, and he's alright with that. his hands find their way up Dick's chest, then to his neck, into his hair then down again.
maybe it's too much too soon, but Jason's never been one to hold back. he's always as intense as can be, and he throws caution to the wind and climbs into Dick's lap, moving one leg around, straddling him as he keeps kissing him. he never thought he'd be in this position, not in a million years, but it feels so natural. it feels so good.]
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Nails glide up under Jason's shirt again, rising higher between his shoulders, and Dick makes a low noise of approval, just as hedonistic when it comes to showing Jason he cares about him. ]
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Jason indulges in the way he leans against Dick's chest when those arms wind around him, his own hands sliding up into Dick's hair as he parts his lips a little wider and kisses deeper.
Dick is good at this- of course he is, Jason should have known. it sweeps him up so entirely that all of Jason't bullshit about trying to one up the world falls away, and all he wants is to be in this right now. he groans softly when the kiss breaks and Dick's mouth travels down his neck. he lets his head fall back a bit to give him more room, his nails scraping along Dick's scalp as the other's nails move along his back.
Jason's never had anyone care about him. Bruce, of course, but not like this. ]
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He shudders up against him as he feels the nails raking along his scalp and bites down on the curve of Jason's neck to make those groans louder. His grip on a thigh pets up and down, running around the curve of an ass to test whether Jason is okay with being pulled flush. ]
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Jason's generally not anywhere close to being loud when fooling around with anyone. it's not that he isn't all in whenever he does, but he doesn't let himself get too carried away. there's control. always control. this time though, that bite to the curve of his neck makes him moan loudly. ]
Fuck... fuck.
[he breathes out afterwards, heat dusting his cheeks in an uncharacteristically embarrassed way. he lets Dick pull him in flush against him, but he also moves a hand to his chest, pressing lightly.]
Wait... wait. Slow down a second. Hold on.
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Might have to clear his throat in order to fix the rasp of his voice, but. ]
Y-Yeah, sure. You okay? Too much?
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[he doesn't want to stop and he doesn't want to give Dick the wrong idea and make him think that he does. his own cheeks are flushed and flustered, his hands on Dick's chest moving up and down just slightly as he looks down for a moment, then back at Dick's face.]
It's just that I.
Fuck.
[he lets out a small laugh, then rolls his eyes at himself.]
I don't wanna rush this. I wanna go slow. I like it slow. Is that okay?
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Slow is okay. [ It's hard to tell from the hand pawing his shirt what Jason wants, so he makes a point of asking. ] Do you just want to kiss?
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he gives Dick a small smile of thanks, then shakes his head, forehead still against his.]
Not that slow.
[he laughs softly, letting his hands slide up Dick's neck, just touching him. just being in the moment. trying to get himself to open up. to talk. it's a hard thing for Jason, but Dick is listening.]
We can do... anything. Just slower. I've uh. I haven't been with as many people as everyone think I have. You know. Being a street kid and all. People think I like to fuck. Guess maybe I act like it too. But I haven't even really been with a guy before. Like sure I've fooled around, but I've never had sex with a guy before.
But I wanna be here with you right now. I wanna do this. I mean, I don't even know if you wanna fuck me, but. If you do. I want to.
[is he rambling? maybe he's rambling. this is Jason Todd when he's not trying to act like a cocky little fuck.]
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... Alright, okay. I appreciate the clarification.
[ He cups the side of Jason's neck, thumb cradling his jaw as he looks at him steadily, compartmentalising all of that information into manageable bites. When he replies his voice is sure and steady. ]
I am ... I would love to — yes, we can do that, but only if you're sure. There are other things we can do, things I'd really like to do to you [ — since Jason deserves to know there's a lot of spice beneath Dick's heavy blush — ] and none of it needs to be rushed.
[ To demonstrate, he trails his other hand down Jason's chest and lets it drift under his shirt in a sweeping caress, right around the time Dick leans up to brush his lips over the sensitive curve of Jason's neck. ]
Why don't we stick with our hands for now, then if you want more later you can be greedy in my bed. Deal?
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Jason is rewarded with patience and understanding, and an unwavering look from Dick. it makes him smile a little more, and not feel so fucking embarrassed about the flush of his cheeks and the slowness he asks for, and he nods against Dick's forehead again before the older man starts moving his hand again, under his shirt, and drops his lips back to his neck. ]
Okay, yeah. Deal.... thanks.
[that all sounds real good, and the flutter is back in Jason's chest again, his eyes closing.]
... that feels really fucking good.
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